58 strips. Three damned souls. An eternity of bad decisions.
56 strips
Gerald buys a thermal camera. Everything shows up ice cold because they are ghosts. Gerald concludes the camera is broken. Ethel explains thermal cameras detect heat and they have none. Gerald orders a replacement. Mort holds up a hand in front of the camera, watches it show nothing, shakes his head, and walks away.
Gerald insists they stake out the living room from midnight to 4am to catch ghost activity. They sit in silence for four hours. Nothing happens because they ARE the ghost activity. Ethel points this out at 1am. Gerald says she is not thinking like an investigator. At 4am Gerald declares the house clean. Ethel stares into the middle distance.
Gerald orders an EMF reader online. It arrives. He turns it on. It immediately maxes out and starts screaming. Gerald concludes the house is definitely haunted. Ethel explains, slowly, that they are the haunted. Gerald orders a second EMF reader to confirm. Mort shakes his head and leaves the room.
Gerald announces he has founded 'Paranormal Investigators Inc.' and presents Ethel and Mort with matching polo shirts and laminated ID badges. Their mission: prove ghosts are real. Ethel points out the obvious problem. Gerald has not considered the obvious problem. Mort is already wearing his badge upside down and seems very proud of it.
A man's smart mirror keeps showing Gerald, Ethel, and Mort instead of his own reflection. He taps it repeatedly. Gerald looks mortified. Ethel looks triumphant. Mort examines his own reflection with academic interest. The man's reflection is completely absent. He rates the mirror one star.
Gerald discovers he can see his own reflection in a rain puddle on a quiet street. He stares at it for a long time. It stares back. A passing dog also sees it and loses its mind. Gerald files this under 'unresolved issues.'
Gerald poses as a realtor showing a haunted house to a young couple. He highlights the original crown molding, the vintage radiators, and the 'characterful cold spots.' Ethel keeps slamming doors for dramatic effect. The couple makes an offer. Gerald is horrified.
Mort discovers a museum exhibit featuring a Roman artifact he personally owned in 44 BC. He reads the placard. It describes him as 'unknown Roman citizen, possibly a merchant.' Mort has opinions about this. The security guard cannot hear them.
Gerald and Ethel attempt to possess a confused accountant simultaneously. They end up sharing the body and immediately start arguing about what to do with it. The accountant's colleagues notice he seems to be having a very heated internal debate. He files for stress leave.
Gerald is convinced the Roomba can see him. He tries to hide behind furniture. The Roomba finds him every time. Gerald begins to suspect it is haunted. He does not appreciate the irony.
Gerald and Ethel attempt to file taxes. Gerald insists they are still technically residents. Ethel points out they have no income, no address, and no social security numbers. Gerald files anyway. The IRS does not respond. Gerald takes this as a win.
Ethel discovers a true crime podcast episode about the house she haunts. The host gets every detail wrong. Ethel screams corrections at the podcast host for forty-five minutes. The host cannot hear her. Ethel leaves a one-star review.
Gerald discovers he can move a bag of Doritos using telekinesis. He practices for three hours. He cannot eat them. He moves them around the kitchen anyway. A teenager films it and posts it online. Gerald is briefly famous.
Gerald and Ethel both find haunting handbooks from different eras. Gerald's is from 1987. Ethel's is from 1952. They contain completely contradictory advice. They argue for six hours. Mort reads both books, sets them down, and shakes his head.
Ethel posts an angry tweet from a possessed phone. It goes viral. She gains 40,000 followers overnight. She cannot log back in. The account keeps posting on its own. The posts are somehow better than anything she intended.
Gerald tries to skip the first three steps of a séance because he finds them tedious. Ethel explains the steps exist for a reason. Gerald skips them anyway. Something else shows up. Gerald is very surprised. Ethel is not.
Gerald reads a scathing Airbnb review of the house he haunts. The guest complained about cold spots, strange noises, and a feeling of being watched. Gerald is personally offended by the two-star rating. He considers responding.
Ethel possesses a vintage modem and tries to connect to the internet. The dial-up sound plays at full volume at 3am. The family is terrified. Ethel gets a connection speed of 14.4 kbps. She considers this acceptable.
Gerald prepares an elaborate haunting performance. Lighting. Sound effects. A dramatic entrance. He executes it perfectly. The family is on their phones. Nobody looks up. Gerald stands in the middle of the room in full dramatic pose for eleven minutes.
Ethel keeps turning the thermostat down. The family keeps turning it up. This continues for three weeks. Ethel wins. The family buys space heaters. Ethel unplugs them. The family buys more space heaters. Ethel is running out of outlets.
All three ghosts end up in the same closet at the same time for unrelated reasons. Gerald is hiding from a Roomba. Ethel is eavesdropping. Mort is simply standing there. They argue in whispers for forty minutes. Nobody leaves.
Mort refuses to accept the crossword answer for 'Ancient Roman currency' because he personally used that currency and the clue is historically inaccurate. He stares at the puzzle for two hours. He does not fill in the answer. He considers writing a letter.
Ethel haunts a yoga class. She finds the instructor's calm voice deeply irritating. She knocks over a candle. The instructor says it is the universe communicating. Ethel knocks over another candle. The instructor thanks the universe.
A family holds a séance to contact their grandmother. Gerald, Ethel, and Mort all show up instead. None of them are the grandmother. They argue about who should leave. The family is thrilled. Gerald takes credit.
Gerald gets stuck halfway through a brick wall. He can go neither forward nor backward. He has been there for six hours. Ethel walks past, looks at him, and keeps walking. Mort looks at him, shakes his head, and keeps walking.
Ethel possesses a food blogger mid-recipe. She has strong opinions about the sauce. The video gets 2 million views. The blogger has no memory of making it. The comments say it is their best content ever. Ethel is not credited.
Gerald finds a ghost support group. He attends. He immediately tries to take over. Ethel attends to watch. Mort attends and says nothing for the entire session. The group facilitator asks if anyone wants to share. Mort shakes his head.
Gerald discovers a Yelp review of the house he haunts. It is devastating. Two stars. The reviewer complained about the atmosphere, the cold, and a persistent feeling of dread. Gerald reads it three times. He considers his life choices.
Ethel haunts a family with a new baby. The baby can see her perfectly and finds her delightful. It laughs every time she appears. The parents think the baby is laughing at nothing. Ethel is deeply confused by this development.
Gerald and Ethel discover how much ghost hunting equipment costs. They are shocked. Gerald points out they are the ghosts being hunted. Ethel points out they could make money on the other side of this industry. They stare at each other.
Gerald gets tangled in a bedsheet on the staircase. He cannot get free. He has been there since Tuesday. The family walks past him every morning. One child says good morning to him. Gerald says good morning back. The child tells their parents. Nobody believes them.
Ethel dictates her memoirs to a medium. The medium writes everything down. The memoir is 847 pages. The medium's hand is cramping. Ethel is only up to 1987. The medium asks if they can take a break. Ethel says no.
Gerald and Ethel haunt a man on his morning commute. He is asleep. They try everything. He sleeps through all of it. He wakes up at his stop, refreshed. Gerald is personally offended. Ethel files this under 'unresolved business.'
Gerald stands in the rain on a busy street trying to get someone to notice him. Nobody does. A pigeon lands on him. The pigeon can see him. Gerald and the pigeon have a moment. The pigeon leaves. Gerald is alone again.
Ethel haunts a therapist's waiting room. She reads all the pamphlets. She has opinions about all of them. She rearranges them by relevance. The therapist's patients find the waiting room oddly calming. The therapist cannot explain it.
A census taker arrives at the house. Gerald and Ethel argue about whether they should be counted. Gerald says yes. Ethel says they are legally dead. Gerald says that is a technicality. Mort watches from the doorway and shakes his head.
Gerald discovers he can possess a DJ's turntables. He plays jazz for six hours. The club is packed. The DJ has no idea what is happening. Gerald takes a bow that nobody can see. It is the best night of his afterlife.
Ethel takes over a Ouija board to correct the grammar of the previous ghost who was using it. She spends forty minutes fixing comma splices. The teenagers using the board are terrified. Ethel does not care. The grammar is now impeccable.
Gerald gets trapped inside a possessed refrigerator. He cannot get out. The refrigerator is also haunted by a different ghost. They do not get along. Gerald is in there for three days. The family notices the milk keeps moving.
Gerald applies for the position of Official House Ghost at a Victorian mansion. He prepares a resume. He lists his skills. He attends the interview. The hiring manager cannot see him. Gerald considers this discrimination.
Ethel has been knitting the same scarf since 1987. It is now 340 feet long. She has no plans to stop. Gerald asks who the scarf is for. Ethel says it is for herself. Gerald points out she cannot wear it. Ethel keeps knitting.
Gerald and Ethel crash a mansion open house. Gerald pretends to be a prospective buyer. Ethel pretends to be his wife. The realtor cannot see them but keeps sensing a cold presence. Gerald makes an offer. The realtor accepts. Gerald cannot sign the paperwork.
Gerald tries to phase through a wooden door. He gets stuck halfway. The door is made of reclaimed wood from a church. Gerald did not know this would matter. It matters. He is stuck for four hours. A child opens the door from the other side. Gerald falls through.
Ethel possesses a confused book club host mid-meeting. She has very strong opinions about the novel. The book club is terrified but also riveted. The discussion is the best they have ever had. The host has no memory of it. They are invited back.
Gerald discovers there is an official haunting leaderboard maintained by the Ghost Council. He is ranked 847th. He is devastated. He studies the top-ranked ghosts. He practices their techniques. He moves up to 846th. He considers this a triumph.
Gerald stands in front of a mirror for three hours trying to figure out why he has a reflection sometimes and not others. The rules are inconsistent. He makes a chart. The chart does not help. He makes a second chart.
Ethel haunts a modern gym. She is disgusted by everything. The machines. The music. The people. She tries to possess a treadmill. The treadmill is too fast. She haunts the smoothie bar instead. She has opinions about the kale.
A family holds a candlelit séance. Gerald and Ethel both show up uninvited. They immediately start arguing about who was summoned. The family is terrified. Gerald and Ethel ignore the family entirely. Mort arrives late and sits down.
Gerald spends six hours rehearsing his haunting pose in front of a mirror. He has notes. He has a rating system. He tries forty-seven variations. He settles on one. He performs it for a family. They do not notice. He goes back to the mirror.
Ethel knocks over a coffee mug. This is intentional. The family blames the cat. Ethel knocks over another mug. The family blames the cat again. Ethel knocks over a third mug while looking directly at the cat. The cat looks back at her. They have an understanding.
Gerald attends ghost orientation. There is a PowerPoint. There are handouts. Gerald has questions. Many questions. The orientation leader has seen this before. Gerald asks a follow-up question about the follow-up question. The other ghosts are already leaving.
Gerald attends a Halloween monster networking event. He hands out business cards. Nobody can read them because his hands are translucent. He tries to make small talk with a vampire. The vampire is better at networking. Gerald is deeply jealous.
Gerald goes trick-or-treating. He is mistaken for a very convincing Halloween costume. He wins a costume contest. He cannot accept the prize because his hands phase through it. The prize is a gift card. Gerald stares at it for a long time.
Gerald attends a paranormal networking event. He is devastated to discover vampires have better networking skills. They have business cards. They have LinkedIn profiles. Gerald has neither. He tries to connect with a werewolf. The werewolf is also better at networking.
Ethel discovers a witch has set up a cauldron in her haunting territory without permission. Ethel files a formal complaint with the Ghost Council. The Ghost Council does not handle witch-related zoning disputes. Ethel escalates. The witch is unbothered.
Gerald discovers a store selling candy corn in August. He is personally offended. He haunts the candy corn aisle for three weeks. The store manager notices the candy corn keeps rearranging itself. Gerald is making a point. Nobody understands the point.
